The A-Team (2010)

In his review of Joe Carnahan's 2010 The A-Team remake, a troubled film nearly 15 years in the making, Roger Ebert writes of his difficulty in sustaining any interest in this, an action movie where the central element -- the action -- is so cartoonish and unpredictable as to leave the film boring and unengaging. Here he strikes upon a problem prevalent in several recent films, and not limited to the action genre.

Take Guy Ritchie's latest effort, the WB revamp of the Sherlock Holmes franchise. Genius though Holmes's detective work may be, we are left unable to follow any of it, because the film has set no sure rules for itself. We have to take everything for granted, including the possibility of Holmes's level of intelligence -- he knew, for instance, that breaking that water pipe would cause the giant saw to stop working simply because he did, and through no clues that the audience is able to follow. Iron Man 2 suffers from a similar fault: its "look! sciencey stuff!" sequences are so pared down to appeal to the lowest possible common denominator audience that they make the premise of the original film seem positively realistic. Even the plotting and dialogue of Transformers felt subtle and nuanced compared to its unintelligible and mildly racist sequel.

The new A-Team falls into the same category, unfortunately: all the humanity is sucked out of a promising remake in favor of loud, dizzying, unfollowable action. As a result, the potentially potent mixture of a great new cast and a healthy respect for the source material feels completely wasted. Indeed, it's hard to think of anyone who could have better reincarnated the A-Team: Liam Neeson as Hannibal Smith leads Bradley Cooper's Face, Sharlto Copley's Murdock, and Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson's B.A. Baracus, all of whom carry on the spirit of the TV show, while also looking remarkably like the actors in the original program. Cameos from the original cast are also sadly bungled, with Dirk Benedict appearing on screen for all of 2 seconds.

If by this point you still care, the plot is a convoluted mess, too. It basically establishes an origin story for the A-Team, an elite group of humorously snarky and impressively apt welders who also happen to be Army rangers. One of them is legally insane, but he's the only pilot they can find, plus he's funny, so it's OK. They meet in Mexico and have a helicopter chase sequence filled with many pithy one-liners. Genesis story over, we are told of their many successful (and presumably humorous and action-packed) missions together, before the film drops us "40 missions later" in Iraq.

There, after a mission gone wrong, the team is set up for a crime they didn't commit by evil "Jersey Shore"-esque commandos who wear matching sunglasses and matching spikey haircuts and matching black polo shirts with popped collars. They promptly escape from maximum security stockades, regroup in scenes you've already seen in the trailer, and attempt to clear their names. Jessica Biel's PG-13 sexiness, senseless action, and obviously impossible stunts that break the laws of physics and reason all follow.

A lackluster score by Alan Silvestri rounds off this disappointing film: apart from the remix of the original TV theme tune, the soundtrack resembles more what would be written for a SyFy original TV-movie, than something created by the man who scored the Back to the Future trilogy.

Nevertheless, you have to give the movie some credit: it fails to be original, while also failing to pay homage to the original, and that's an impressive feat, indeed.

Rendition

For this review you will need:

1. A photo of Meryl Streep (scowling, but not actually doing anything.)
2. A thumb tack.

Now go get that. Go on, I'll wait.

Set the photo of the Oscar-winning actress in front of you in a manner that fully brings to your attention how she isn't moving at all. Now take the thumb tack in your favored hand and, while staring into Meryl Streep's lifeless gaze, stab it repeatedly into your other hand.

Wait -- why did I just do that? It's because you don't care enough about the US having secret camps in the Middle East where they torture prisoners. I saved you 11 dollars and a walk.

Apparently the only way Hollywood can produce a movie about Homeland Security is to have Meryl Streep scowl and say lines like, "polygraphs don't mean diddly." She's the head the US bureau of cover-ups and torture, by the way.

Lured by the important subject matter (and presence of actors like Alan Arkin), a whole bunch of actors who clearly want an Oscar far too much, and have no need for money or box office success (yes this is actually a reason to dislike them), decided to remake Crash. Except, they replaced everything provocative or dramatic with people shouting -- over cordless phones though, so it doesn�t get too dramatic.

Apparently, no one decided to come up with an actual set of character developments during the script-writing process, so essentially it becomes the same characters saying the same lines to each other. No Babel-style soul searching, Amores Perros action or witty Crash banter.

There are multiple scenes where:

• Jake Gyllenhaal is drinking because he has witnessed someone being tortured. However, he is apparently hung over at the beginning of the movie, prior to anything actually happening, so its importance is questionable.
• Alan Arkin is telling Peter Sarsgaard that he's "in over his head."
• Reese Witherspoon is showing us how awful it is to have a husband who disappears.
• This is apparently particularly bad if you have a Middle Eastern mother-in-law looking over our shoulder, a ridiculously needy son who demands you play soccer with him while you talk on the phone, and you are so pregnant you can't even walk. Don't worry: when her water actually breaks (in a ridiculously framed silhouette shot) you'll know the worst is over.

Amongst all this, though, there are several high points. Two, actually. A very nice suicide bomber MacGuffin which, though it rips off Amores Perros, is the best thing in the film. Also, in a hilarious piece of dubbing, a radical Muslim who speaks in exactly the same voice and volume whether he's talking over a loudspeaker or not.

Oh, and JK Simmons plays J Jonah Jameson in this film too, so that's nice if you like Spiderman.