Rendition

For this review you will need:

1. A photo of Meryl Streep (scowling, but not actually doing anything.)
2. A thumb tack.

Now go get that. Go on, I'll wait.

Set the photo of the Oscar-winning actress in front of you in a manner that fully brings to your attention how she isn't moving at all. Now take the thumb tack in your favored hand and, while staring into Meryl Streep's lifeless gaze, stab it repeatedly into your other hand.

Wait -- why did I just do that? It's because you don't care enough about the US having secret camps in the Middle East where they torture prisoners. I saved you 11 dollars and a walk.

Apparently the only way Hollywood can produce a movie about Homeland Security is to have Meryl Streep scowl and say lines like, "polygraphs don't mean diddly." She's the head the US bureau of cover-ups and torture, by the way.

Lured by the important subject matter (and presence of actors like Alan Arkin), a whole bunch of actors who clearly want an Oscar far too much, and have no need for money or box office success (yes this is actually a reason to dislike them), decided to remake Crash. Except, they replaced everything provocative or dramatic with people shouting -- over cordless phones though, so it doesn�t get too dramatic.

Apparently, no one decided to come up with an actual set of character developments during the script-writing process, so essentially it becomes the same characters saying the same lines to each other. No Babel-style soul searching, Amores Perros action or witty Crash banter.

There are multiple scenes where:

• Jake Gyllenhaal is drinking because he has witnessed someone being tortured. However, he is apparently hung over at the beginning of the movie, prior to anything actually happening, so its importance is questionable.
• Alan Arkin is telling Peter Sarsgaard that he's "in over his head."
• Reese Witherspoon is showing us how awful it is to have a husband who disappears.
• This is apparently particularly bad if you have a Middle Eastern mother-in-law looking over our shoulder, a ridiculously needy son who demands you play soccer with him while you talk on the phone, and you are so pregnant you can't even walk. Don't worry: when her water actually breaks (in a ridiculously framed silhouette shot) you'll know the worst is over.

Amongst all this, though, there are several high points. Two, actually. A very nice suicide bomber MacGuffin which, though it rips off Amores Perros, is the best thing in the film. Also, in a hilarious piece of dubbing, a radical Muslim who speaks in exactly the same voice and volume whether he's talking over a loudspeaker or not.

Oh, and JK Simmons plays J Jonah Jameson in this film too, so that's nice if you like Spiderman.